new wave

Apr. 22nd, 2008 02:38 pm
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As I'm at the tail end of my week of sickness, I'm contemplating whether another wave of depression is upon me.

I've spent all week in bed, being nonsocial. My sickness isn't severe at all, but I don't feel well, and I'm surprised how long it took me to get better. I guess I'm not over the hill yet. Perhaps the inactivity has triggered this feeling.

My housemate (the only person I knew before I moved here) had a really annoying friend from the states visiting for the past week, and perhaps he had divided us a bit. We had a minor squabble regarding laundry detergent, of all things. And sadly that seems to have been a catalyst for our distance as well. Thinking now, I should really talk to her.

My ex (but current lover) sent me an email saying she's ending our romantic relationship. Her visit a month ago was extremely difficult. She was being really awful, demanding affection and constantly attacking me for the slightest intonation in my voice suggesting that I don't like her. So, this is a relief. But to hear it does make me resonate with loneliness.

My German is awful. I'm struggling the most out of everyone in our class. I'm just not a language person. It's frustrating and exhausting.

I'm running out of money and running out of hormones. I have another 3 month supply in the US that hopefully someone can bring over if they come visit me. And money, I guess that means I really need to look for a job. Unfortunately my visa says I can't work. So under tables I seek.

Two bands that have hired me in the past, passed me up recently. For one of them it was because they usually hire someone else (so not a big surprise) and the other because I live in Berlin now and it's too expensive to fly me from here. But there's this air of rejection, although there shouldn't be. And my semi desperate need for money weighs in on that. I can always dip into my surgery fund, which has depleted in value since the crumbling of the US dollar, but I really don't want to. I think that would only add to my depression and anxiety.

And perhaps it's just my clouded eyes, but the lesbian circle I thought I was a part of here, as it expands and shifts, I'm feeling excluded.

I wonder about my depression. I thought I was over it since transitioning. Is it genetic? What did I do to get out of it?

Lastly, despite being sick I went to a workshop on using an accelerometer, an Arduino, a laptop, and an infrared LED to trigger a camera to take a picture. I came early because I expected the workshop to be full, but I was the only attendee. And the woman teaching it blew my mind. She was very young, perhaps 21-23, extremely intelligent, extremely beautiful, very creative.... the list goes on. She wasn't however, well organized. Her workshop took a long time, going about 5 hours longer than expected due to nonplaning, but I sat there with her in a daze. Partially from admiration, partially adoration, partially confusion and partially sickness. When I ended up leaving, I had hoped that we would have made a stronger connection, becoming friends, but not being friends is just as well. I could feel the neurosis I used to experience when I obsessed over a crush looming, my past haunting me. But just hanging out with her is making me question my life. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I not doing amazing things like her? Perhaps I'm still on way to becoming like her. Ich weiss nicht.
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I'm not sure how I feel about this. Very very mixed/confused perhaps but how everyone else feels is pretty clear. It's just a new experience for me...

Last night I grabbed a bowl of soup at the Vietnamese restaurant across the street that I've been going to 1-3 times a week ever since I moved to Berlin. And the guy working there has always been super nice. We've been practicing our broken German with each other and he sometimes offers me free tea or pays for my meal (I must be his best customer). Last night as I sat at the bar to eat, he asked me if I was going on vacation this summer and I mentioned that i was going to Stockholm in May for 4 days. He asked if he could come, and I took that as a joke, but he was actually very persistent. It got to the point where he kept saying "ja oder nein?" (yes or no) over and over but coming from this guy who's so meek and nonaggressive, I just slowly became more uncomfortable but nothing hit me over the head that this was wrong. I let this go, he kept cooking but after he served me my soup, our conversation resumed. He kept pulling on his finger to ask me if I was married or had a boyfriend. I said no, and that I'm a lesbian. Me and all my housemates are lesbians. For most people, I think that's pretty clear and polite. But he went on to indicate "wow! 8 women! oooohhh!" So I shouldn't have been too surprised when he started asking if he could come over to my house tonight. I was so thrown by this. Being in my favorite little late night, cheap restaurant and the guy who I've "known" for the past 5 months is now trying to go home with me. And he was so persistent. I told him that he had a wife and he said, she's at home and won't know. Thankfully another guy came in the restaurant and ordered something allowing me to finish my soup quickly and make my escape. But as I was leaving, there were eager hand motions that he would close up when the other customer left and then he'd come over to my place. I put my money on the counter and left.

Again, I'm not sure what to feel. Disappointed for sure, that my favorite restaurant that's just across the street I can't go back to. Disappointed that I didn't react faster, telling him to back off/fuck off. I don't know how to say that in German, but I didn't even give him a firm "No." And on the other hand I feel like it's not such a big deal. He didn't say anything sexual, he didn't touch me.... he just crossed a boundary that I didn't want him to. I don't feel violated. I just feel sad, that he turned out to be a creep and that I can't eat there anymore. Or is he a creep? The idea of just not going there anymore doesn't seem like justice. My housemate is going over there today to bitch him out, but I'm not certain he'll understand her. His German isn't so good.

What constitutes harassment and is it still harassment if in the moment I freeze up and don't say "fuck off" ? I know the answer to the second one. I just somehow feel wrong to feel slightly victimized.

x-posted to transgender
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I noticed my breasts were noticeably larger today. Just over a week ago I was having breathing problems and I wondered if my breast growth had to do with me not wearing a bra for the past 10 days. I did see a dr. about my lungs. Since I don't have health insurance, after asking around I went to this center that makes dr's appointments for refuges free of charge with dr's who don't charge. They asked where I was from and when I said the US, they frowned. They helped me anyway but gave me a "this is not for the privileged" look. The doctor asked me to take off my shirt and he attached a strange machine to me, a mechanical octopod that sucked away at my chest, wrists and belly. After two minutes the computer spit out a chart indicating that I had an irregular heart beat. Mmm. In the following days I felt better and never went to the cardiologist they recommended. Someday I'll have health insurance and it will be checked out then.

I spoiled myself with an expensive buffet breakfast today at Morganland that they have every Saturday and Sunday. The food was wonderful and lots of friends kept me company, whether they ate or not. There was an odd gallery show on the way home at the local queer center that revolved around "pussy" but i can't say that I loved it. It was just this womans collection of all things relating to vaginas, with art supplied on the floor for guests to make vaginas of their own. After stopping shortly at a "coffee and cake" event at a local anarchist center, my friend and I scrambled to get to the Haus der Kulteren der Welt (House of World Cultures) where a Japanese film called "Nobody Knows" was playing. Despiting having called the theater to verify whether the subtitles were in German or English (they said English), they ended up being in German so for the second time my housemate Siggy translated a Japanese film's German subtitles into English for me at the expense of the other patrons enjoyment. Just the previous night I had watched another Japanese film called Tekkonkinkreet after a "taco salad" party hosted by my closest friend here in Berlin and roommate Katrina. It was exciting that she had bought a "beamer" (projector) so we could watch movies the way they were made to be watched, but I found the movie unimpressive. There's something about Anime that I can't get into anymore (except for save Crayon Shinchan). Something to do with the formula they seem to fall under that I've grown tired of. But "Nobody Knows" was supposed to break that mold of Japanese film. Yes, it's not anime but since it was so highly recommended by a handful of people I went and caught it. And since most of the characters are children or are talking to children, the language was perfect for me. Just above my ability to really understand it, but enough to get by and get the gist. The basic plot is a mother abandons her 4 children in their apartment. I was pulled in so many ways. Relating to the young boy put in charge of taking care of his siblings and remembering what it was like to buy things myself for the first time. But in a deeper way, I myself also feeling abandoned by my mother now, knowing that she'll never come back. I felt so disconcerted, becoming really afraid for myself during the film. I only have x amount of money that will run out soon. I'm in a foreign country and I don't have family to fall back on. I feel so alone and afraid in a way that only having my mother could fix. Siggy told me afterward about another film she had seen about a mother learning she will die of cancer soon, and she makes preparations for her death such as making video tapes for each of her children's birthdays. Even though I'm an adult, I do feel so abandoned and alone. But at other times I think about when I tried to kill myself, and I think about what I thought before I attempted. About how much unbearable pain I was in and that everyone would understand that this is what I needed to do. I try to think about that, and to remember that she's not suffering anymore.

Last week I was at my friend Sonja's house, buying plane tickets for Stockholm where I'll hang out with her during her gallery opening there. In the previous months she had told me that she had a baby and that he had died, but she said it so nonchalantly that I figured it had happened a long time ago. She showed me her photobook of the time he was alive, the last picture being him just after he had died, seemingly at peace. He had died 8 days before my mom.


Jan. 19th, 2008 02:20 am
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I guess it would have been better to write this "in the moment," but now things are calmer, I'm recovering from a strange and mild sickness as well as jet lag.

People I least expected to be supportive were, and the people I kinda thought would be most supportive weren't. That's not true across the board but was a common theme. Being with my family made me realize how little of a connection with them I have now that my mom's gone. It was my mom that I loved the most and my mom that loved me the most. Most of my family was pretty cold, but they were suffering as well, so I guess I shouldn't have expected much. In the previous month, my father had been badmouthing me, saying that I caused my mom's distress when in fact it was his rejection of me that caused my mom's distress. I'm sure my mom worried about me but she was my biggest advocate and supporter. Maybe she felt like she could die because she knew I would be ok. Or maybe that's being arrogant of me.

The funeral was awful. My mom's body was bloated and distorted. Her face had this characteristic "dead" look. A sunkenness. She didn't look happy. Or sleeping really. She looked dead. She didn't really look like my mom. My sister was really upset because of how she looked. I commented to her about the ugly sweater they put on my mom and my sister hit he, informing me that she had chosen it. Everyone arrived to the funeral with flowers and I didn't have any. It didn't occur to me. There were enormous wreath shaped bouquets there with giant pink ribbons streaming off of them saying who they were from. There was even one from my sister and I, unbeknownst to me. At least whoever bought it wrote "Olivia" on it and not my old name. My father wrangled this preacher to speak, which I found only to be insulting. He talked mostly about himself and his congregation and then read the patented Christian funeral lines. He referred to us as a Christian family and I stared him down, shaking my head. The Bible says my mom's in Hell, which is why the preacher neglected to talk about her. Thankfully I don't believe that shit anymore. My mom was awesome. She took care of disabled children and AIDS patients. She stood by me and never stopped loving me when I transitioned. She saved my life when I had tried to kill myself the 2nd time, giving me mouth to mouth and bringing me back to life.

Her death is quite surreal. About 5-6 years ago when her doctor told me there were two options for her: ECT (shock therapy) or frontal lobe lobotomy, I nearly jumped across the table to beat the crap out of him. I don't know how many times she had ECT. Over 40 sessions I believe over the past 5 and a half years. The immediate effects were the loss of her short term memory. To the day she died, she didn't remember whom I was in my longest relationship with. And she would come over to the house all the time, even go out to dinner with my parents and I. In some ways she became a zombie. And that was incredibly sad. To watch her change into this version that was less of herself. Around that time I realized that one of these times she would be successful. One of these days I would lose her.
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My mom just killed herself.
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I've been here in Berlin for about 5-6 weeks now. I bought another monitor and have begun the long process of editing down photos while learning about photo "manipulation" to get the desired effects you want. Sometimes it's depressing to look at other photographers work and then at my own, but I try to stay inspired rather than depressed. That's another thing... I thought my depression was solely linked to my pretransitioning self, but I can feel it come and go. Not particularly strong, but it's there. Insecurities. Even just leaving comments in other peoples journals and not getting a response makes me so self critical. My WG (Vee Ghee or Vay Gay, depending on who's pronouncing it and meaning approximately "commune") is nice, full of friendly lesbians and we haven't encountered any problems with our deeply religious neighbors yet and hope to keep it that way. We share an elevator with the Muslim church above us and the Islamic extremist party beneath us and as I exit on the 3rd floor, their eyes curiously peer into the storage/bike room of our flat and I imagine they're fantasizing about the ongoings of lair of sin. Walking around the neighborhood yesterday, to my surprise I saw 2 different fliers posted outside bookstores looking for someone to rent a room in their Women, Lesbian and Transgender WG's. So there's more than just the one I live in... and in our neighborhood too! I'm learning the names of the common birds here (mute swan, eurasian coot, hooded crow, eurasian magpie and of course my favorite feral rock pigeon) and peer at a few through my giant windows. My window sill double's as a refrigerator, chilling my collection of German Weissbier's during my pursuit to find and rank my favorite. There's the cutest gay bar 4 blocks from me called Silver Future decked with pink walls and a white lace trim. Bike lanes canvas and score the city often delineated by a reddish brick or pavement and furnished with our own traffic lights, some of whom are colored to make stars and hearts. When interviewing for this WG, I immediately started crushing out on one of it's members, the oldest and quietest of us all and who maintains the most beautifully decorated room. 2 weeks after my arrival, she left for South Africa for a month and returns either tonight or tomorrow morning. In the meantime we've been somewhat flirting over SMS and I've arranged to make her dinner for Christmas (a date?). I even bought her an orchid that I've managed to wilt in a meer day, and contemplate finding another before the day. When not photo editing, I've been wasting time lounging around, downloading Attenborough nature videos and shows about the Templar Knights, not to mention the Adult Swim versions of Crayon Shin Chan who's English translators make less funny and more offensive. The kleptomanic in me acquires far more footage than I'm able to keep up with, but I keep telling myself that I'll appreciate it when I'm bed bound post SRS (off in the distant future). Shortly I'll bike over to a weekly flea market and join some friends I've made over the past month. 
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this has been hands down one of the busiest years i've had. probably the busiest ever which is wonderful though terrible things have happened. i'm currently on the 6th and theorhetically final tour this year. the last one was with one of my favorite bands who turned out to be total sweethearts, and now I've just arrived in europe for the second time this year and I'm planning on staying for awhile to see how that would work out.
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it's amazing to think the towers fell 6 years ago. to think that wasn't long ago, about how time has flown by and my life has changed so much.

at the last minute, i got on a tour with one of my favorite bands doing their monitors. Not the most glorious job in the world, but hearing their songs night after night and hanging out with them is extremely rewarding in itself. Not to mention the additional benefits of seeing the Smashing Pumpkins, Killers, Metric, Rahzel and Explosions in the Sky so far. Maybe Bjork later this week. But of all those bands, the one I'm with is my favorite. And things seem to be going pretty well. Whether I end up with them or not in the future, in a few months I'll be living in Berlin, something I'm quite excited about. I can't wait to travel around Europe more, visit my friends in Spain and Slovenia. And if I manage to hang on to this job as well, I'll be more finacially stable than I've been in years. I can honestly say that life is good and mean it.
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it's been an odd day for me.
I managed to sell a handful of things on craigslist, which made me happy both to purge myself of belongings i hadn't used in ages and to make a little money. in 2 days i leave for my 14th tour with sleepytime, another month long romp around the country. I put most of my stuff in storage today, leaving only a few things for tomorrow. There's still handfuls that need to be packed though. My life has been pretty horrible lately, with my former housemates sending me threats to get the fuck out (totally unwarranted, stay the fuck away from gnat and danny if you go to camptrans), the new place not being ready and sleeping in a dirty little back room, having our new place flood and needing to repack. There are so many things I meant to do this month but didn't have the time. It's really awful. I've decided to move to Berlin for awhile to gather myself and work on my photography.

Today as I walked by the train station, i noticed a pigeon in poor shape. It looked like it either had birth defects, been attacked/injured or both. I tried to grab it to take it home but it kept hobbling away from me and I was afraid if i grabbed it the wrong way that i'd hurt it more. I came back 10 minutes later with a large paper bag, hoping to guide it in but it wasn't there. I didn't think it could have gone that far so I looked around and as a car pulled away i heard this sound, somewhere between a crack and a pop. Looking at the pigeon, it actually looked ok, but then it's head slowly craned downward into the ground. It switched a little and I wondered if I should try ensure it's death, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to cry but didn't. I was so excited to try and nurse this pigeon back to health. Oh well.
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nov 1st I had a blind date in response to an ad i had placed on craigslist looking to date someone ftm and fit my strict personality criteria. i didn't get any responses from trans people, but i did get a response from a person who claimed to be somewhat gender queer and otherwise fit my description. it's two and a half months later and she's moving in with me in 3 weeks. i've never been in a relationship that's seemingly so beautiful, perfect and amazing. i know it's so soon for her to be moving in, but i'm leaving in 6 weeks for 2 US tours and 1 european tour and she'll be subleasing my room for the remainder of the lease, although I do plan on coming back intermittently for short periods of time and living with her.

tonight we were talking over the phone and along came one of those moments where she had to "tell me something." my heart always stops when this happens. she sputtered out that she was feeling jealous that my exgirlfriend (but more significantly one of my best friends) is coming to town and staying with me. at that point my partner will be living here with me, but still she's nervous. but, it didn't stop at that. she kept blattering indecipherably which to me meant that there was something more to this jealously than what she's stated. to me, it seemed she wanted to drive some sort of wedge between my ex and i. and that really crushed me. feeling pressured to keep some sort of distance between me and perhaps my closest friend. and i think the reason it particularly crushed me was what had happened the previous night. i was feeling really defensive and hurt without even knowing it. and it turns out, that all my partner wanted was some reassurance that i love her and still thinks she's wonderful, but at the time i couldn't tell her because I was just overwhelmed with emotions. my imagination had opened the gates to my repressed feelings and i was paralyzed. she freaked out and thought this all wasn't going to work out, if her expressing her concerns of her jealously to me results in me getting upset to the point of muteness and uncontrollable crying, what can she say to me? We agreed to stop talking until we had both calmed down. we talked it over and i think all is ok. it's just so scary when a relationship gets threatened like that. so there it is. the first little bump on the road.
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it finally happened. and when it did, i wasn't upset at the time because I had been expecting it a lot sooner.

sigh... )
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I lost my notebook today. The one that has all my contact information for everyone, all the ideas I've had for the past 11 months, diary entries, personal shit. I hope my name is in there and someone finds and returns it. Fucking hell. It's almost worse (or perhaps is) than losing my computer.
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I've been meaning to write here lately.... lots of thoughts swirling around to the surface. If only I could remember them all.

I've been dating a woman who calls herself Ms. M, at least I think I'm dating her. I posted an ad on craigslist. It read something like "MTF ISO FTM" however the only response was from a queer woman, and despite wanting to be with men more, she sounded too nice to pass up. Today was the third day we've hung out in the past 9 days and although this trip felt a lot less like a date (because we were with a couple of her friends) I had an amazing time as I have the other two times we hung out. Tonight we saw the NeoFuturists, a theater group here in Chicago famous for putting on 30 plays in 60 minutes (or they try anyway) and I had been meaning to check them out ever since I moved here but it's taken me over 3 years to make it. And it was wonderful. Incredibly entertaining and inspiring. Perfect place to take M and her friend from out of town. Before that we played cards in her apartment for a few hours and after the play we grabbed late night mexican food before dropping her drowsy friend home and heading out for a night cap.

We had been talking about trying to catch a film called "The Bridge" for the past week but the last showing was on Thursday and she couldn't make it. I decided to go see it by myself anyway because it has a special significance to me. The film is a documentary about people who jumped from the bay bridge in 2004. A review I read said it was terrible and called it "death porn" but that didn't discourage me from watching it. They made it out to be a Faces of Death type film which it wasn't at all. In fact many of the criticisms I read about the film I didn't agree with. But I imagine that few people felt the same way about the film as I.

Here I am. November 2006.
April of 2000 was the last time I attempted suicide. To say that my life has change since then is a gross understatement.

Watching "The Bridge" brought back memories of the worst times in my life, but not so much the awful parts. Listening to the interviews of friends and family of the victims, I knew those people they were talking about. I had met the gamut during my time hospitalized. And I watched them plummet to their death. Having survived 3 attempts, each one more miraculous that I survived than the previous, to watch these people die, actually die and not being given a second, third and fourth chance like I've been "given" made me feel so grateful for being alive. And my heart went out to these people like it never had before. Knowing exactly what it's like to be there. I love them so much. Being connected through the experience of what's possibly the most extreme kind of despair.

I never thought I could possibly be as happy as I am these days. Happy with myself, with my direction in life and with the world around me as imperfect as it is.

I expressed this to M as a sleazy guy began to lean in too close and hit on us both simultaneously. We were subtly rude and as the discomfort level rose, the annoyance in my face began to turn to hostility and he awkwardly left. This was a first for me. Being cornered (albeit in a minor way) by an unwanted male, as a gender variant person. It bothered me that this creep was doing this to us in a gay bar. I never felt unsafe, just uncomfortable, and uncomfortable knowing that situations of this nature in the future will make me feel unsafe. Afraid of living in fear. That's something I'm uncertain of how well I'll be able to deal with. I explained to M that with my transition, I'm trading one life for another. I'm leaving behind the reckless part of me, the fearless, the brave. And I'm gaining relationships with people who understand me, and see me for who I am and love me. Think I'm beautiful. I'm losing my safety and security. I'm acquiring a new perspective, access to true understanding of how males and females are treated differently in our so called free and equal society. I'm still adjusting, something I imagine will take a long time.

And another thing. Hanging out with M today, I've been feeling more masculine. Because she's fairly feminine. Being around masculine people that I'm attracted to makes me feel more feminine (something I want to explore more, what that means to be feminine and how it really relates to who I am). I feel more masculine when I'm tired or sad. I feel feminine when I'm excited and happy. I'm not sure what to make of these observations quite yet. I know that I don't identify as male. I can be very butch/masculine if that's what the situation calls for, but that doesn't make me male. I'm not male.

I had my third laser session 9 days ago as well, the same day I had my first date with M. The hairs are finally falling out, but for the first time I am noticing a darkness on my upper lip. I read somewhere that that's scaring from the laser, which is freaking me out and making me think I should switch to electrolysis. But maybe these are just hairs that haven't breached the skin yet. Only time will tell.

I'm having a hard time feeling out what's happening with M. All seems to be going really well. And I think we're dating. But we haven't kissed or hinted at anything sexual. I'm not sure there's sexual chemistry between us. As awful as this sounds, I've lately been basing relationships on how good the sex is. I never thought I'd say it, but now that I know I can have the sex that I want (rather than the past 5 years of awkward attempts at heteronormative sex), I want it! That's what I want to be having right now. I need to know myself as a sexual person. I need to explore and discover who this side of me is. And M might not be that person despite wonderful times together. And if she's not, that's ok. I shouldn't worry about it. I really like her, and I like the way things are going. I'm just curious about that side. Is she attracted to me? Does she think we're dating (I do, I think)? We're making plans for the future though. Art projects together, maybe a noise band, maybe a some silly short films. I really like her. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, and I'm doing a good job so far but some questions linger. I don't know if I should have told her my suicide history so soon, something so personal and dark. Whatever. I won't worry. It's pretty amazing I met her through craigslist. Actually, I met Lisa online as well, and Mary too. Thank you internet, you're a good friend.

I'm thinking I might try to write a zine about depression, suicide, survival and transitioning. It sounds great already. Perhaps with my art partner we'll influence each other enough to do it.

PS: I won the lottery twice this week. I haven't played a scratcher since I turned 18, but on Monday the bartender had two scratchers and with the one I scratched off I won $5 (a $3 ticket) and then tonight while at the gas station M randomly gave me a scratcher and I won $2. My luck has changed.
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I just wanted to notate a few things about my transitioning. I've noticed considerably less breast growth than when I originally started hormones, but maybe I'm doomed to tiny boobs (please let me be at least a B). I'm about 4.5 months in on Estrogen and 5 months in on Spiro. Some days I look in the mirror and I see my face changing, but other days it doesn't seem like it's changed at all. Some days I end up forgetting to take my night dose of Spiro, and I think that's effecting my transitioning a lot. I need to be more adament.

About 3 weeks ago I had my 2nd laser session. I thought the guy fucked up because my hair wasn't falling out at all for 10 days, and he did it faster than the last guy and said that he had the laser on a higher setting. There was only a little difference 2 months after the first session. My hair didn't seem much thinner or less frequent. I'm hoping this time will be different. After 10 days it really started to fall out, and even more came out than the first time. I look forward to when this is all over.
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My life has been such a rollercoaster these past 4 months. For the better and the worse, but mostly better. In the begining of May I started Estrogen and had been in Spironolactone (testosterone blocker) for a couple weeks. At the end of June I left for another national tour, this time with another band and only arrive back home 3 weeks ago. 
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11 days ago I had my first laser hair removal treatment on my face. It was both more and less painful than I imagined. For 11 days I didn't think it really did anything. My hair didn't fall out and if anything the hair on my face seemed to be emphasized more. Much of my face was red when leaving the office but by the time I had biked 11 miles home, I looked fine. Today was the first day when I noticed a hair fall out as I was rubbing my face. Then I proceeded to pull out hairs individually with tweezers. 80-85% of my hairs came out but a scattered bit remain. We'll see in the future how much my hair grows back. I'm scheduled to go back in 6 weeks.

I started estrodiol May 2nd, and my bust has already increased by one inch. I like them, but I am a bit worried they'll get too big while I still look male. I don't know how much my face will change from the hormones, but hopefully enough to pass.
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today i received a package from lisa. inside contained a cd, a picture with frame, a book and 4 letters she had written to me over the past few months. whenever i hear from her i always become really sad. not because she's happy but because her happiness and good fortune remind me how miserable i am. and i didn't even think i was miserable before reading her letters. i wish i was happy for her, but i can't help thinking only about myself when i read her letters. where have i gone wrong? what am i doing with my life? why don't i have any friends? particularly the last part. i know i'm a horrible corespondant, but i feel that mainly has to do with my lack of interesting things to say. due to a lack of things happening in my life and a lack of activity in my brain. i spend my days mostly alone. in my room. on my computer downloading things i think i need but probably really don't. and then checking the status of each download incessantly. planning things to buy that i think i need.

i've been much less friendly at work. it started with being defensive over my transitioning, and then my unwillingness to put up with any shit that bands give me. now im feeling quite jaded at work. feeling my job is shallow and going no where. i stopped drinking for awhile also, and i think that has made me a lot more edgy and volatile. worrying about my high cholesterol.

there was good news today though. i got a call from a nurse at the health clinic i go to and he said my cholesterol has dropped from 206 to 151 (normal). which means i can start estrogen soon. perhaps even tomorrow. i am a bit worried that i'll be even more moody when i start estrogen though. or perhaps it will all work out. only time will tell.

back to not having friends. touring definitely hurts me there. and now that SGM isn't touring for awhile, I don't even have that stable group of friends to be around. keeping friendships when you're away so much and work the hours that everyone else can hang out is very hard. and my tolerance for flakey friends is getting lower and lower. that's not good either.

i've been on testosterone suppressors for 18 days now and all seems well. initially i found that my muscles were weaker and that everything physical was much more difficult, but i've adjusted now and feel ok. i don't feel my innards shifting around any more like i did the first 10 days. and yes, urination has become more frequent, but it hasn't been a big issue like i anticipated. hopefully i will be more passable soon.
glowingpear: (Default)
I was thinking today that I should be writing more, documenting my change. To have a project and stick with it through this transition. I took a nude photo of myself before and after my Europe trip, but that was mainly to see how much weight I would loose, but I didn't loose any due to eating well this time around. I would like documents of the process. I wish I was friends with a good photographer that could be discreet about this process, but I'm not that close with anyone. Perhaps I could hire this girl Brenna I kind of know who's an amazing photographer and is likely to understand my situation.

Today I finally scheduled appointments for consultations for laser hair removal and their both tomorrow. I also started reading about vocal training and how to change your pitch to sound female. It's so so incredible that it can be done in a very passable way. Just listen to this person who recorded themselves morphing her voice back and forth between her two genders. It's amazing. I can't wait to be able to do that. I fantacise about learning to sing and to do a duet with myself using both voices. 

At some point while working tonight I started feeling strange. At first I thought I was sick, and lately I've been feeling sick when I haven't been eating properly. I ate a meal but the sensation didn't go away. It's a sensation I haven't felt in a long time, one like I've felt when I was 13 and trying to kill myself but I didn't feel depressed. Just this anxiety/sickness that I couldn't place. It took me awhile to realize that I'm feeling nervous about transitioning. I've been really lazy about it thus far. It's easy to stay male. It's safe. It's what I'm used to. But I know I'm not completely happy. I haven't been in a relationship in 4 or so years, and that one ended partially due to my gender identity. I haven't been preparing myself for this. Today was the first day that I felt like this is actually happening and I'm feelin scared. I'm trying to feel happy at the same time but I'm mostly scared. I felt extremely defensive at work and had no interest in talking to people that don't know about my transitioning yet. I just wanted to hang out with the people that did. It can be so exhausting having to tell everyone and deal with their reactions. I just want to be myself. And I feel like myself now. Just in the wrong body. 

Last night was hard. There was a comedian hosting the night and would introduce the bands and do a quiz show//multiple choice joke/comedy routine between sets. It was strange to hear him rail on Bush, but then make a joke about homosexuals or transexuals with equal velocity. I wanted so badly to grab the mic and say "How many homophobic jokes does the comedian have to tell before the homosexual sound engineer beats the shit out of him?" Thinking about it now, after I come out to my boss, who will hopefully be ok with my transitioning (I think he will) I should ask him if I can cut homophobic/transphobic/racist assholes off without losing my job. I remember when I worked at a club in San Francisco (at a job I hated) when some singer started sing a song about patriotism and killing Arabs I just turned his mic off. And the guy knew and was very angry but I played dumb. I think the owner was too drunk to notice. I want to be that confrontational person, the one that stands up and says "I'm transsexual, and you're offending me. Would you please stop." (Wow, just writing that out, that would be great and actually possible for me to say that. I've been so angry, hurt and defensive in these situation that rational responses such as this one don't occur to me. I would rather just turn them off or kick them off stage). 

Another thing is, I don't always want to talk about trans issues. And I don't always want to think about trans issues. There are too many things on my mind which is one of the main reasons that I've put this off. I have almost 2000 pictures to sort through and edit down. I have to make a website for them. I'm getting a new computer and need to transfer all my files and organize all my sound samples so that they're accessible to make audio collages. I need a portable audio rig up and running to I can do freelance recording. There are over 30 subjects I'm interested in reading about. I want to learn Spanish, French and German (but Spanish first). I want to date someone. I need to stop spreading myself so thin and focus on one thing. 

Perhaps I should just focus on my transitioning needs for now before going on with the rest of my life. This is really big and deserves undivided attention.


Mar. 6th, 2006 02:53 am
glowingpear: (Default)
it has been around 5-6 months since i've written anything here, which i think is a good thing since I usually only write when I'm very depressed. and i haven't experienced prolonged depression quite some time now. just minor bouts. since i last wrote, i've been on one full US tour with the band and one short west coast tour with sc3. both being very fruitful but exhausting. and then from mid january to mid february i was in france and spain having the time of my life. and now i've just finished an 11 day work week and have tomorrow off (yay!). it's wonderful to be making money again since i spent way too much abroad. i've been getting more and more compliments at work for the way things sound and have been tipped twice in one week (which has never happened before). this week, nearly every day someone came up to me and said how great it sounded. so screw you blonde redhead for turning me down.

on the agenda is getting a new computer, editing my 1700 pictures, and starting a "school" schedule for myself to achieve my goals.

fuck, see, i have nothing to talk about if i'm not depressed...
glowingpear: (Default)
a side of my life that has been pretty dead seems to be picking up steam again. females are actually hitting on me. instance 1, while in baltimore, a friend who i don't know too well opened for the band and one night we were hanging out after the show and she gave me a massage in her car and then proceeded to tell me how attracted she was to me. that could have gone places, but i wasn't very attracted to her although i liked her as a friend. i almost forgot about that time. talking to sandy yesterday over dinner, we were discussing relationships and i wondered out loud, perhaps the reason i haven't had many relationships is because i'm not attracted. her response was "are you kidding?" oh. well if the flaw is not with my physical appearance, it must be with my social skills. there's a girl at one of the clubs that i'm getting to know. tonight i went home with her, and she hinted on taking it further but i ended up having her drive me home. my main reason for not going through was that she's my coworker and if she knew about my gender identity, would she tell everyone else at work? trust is first, and i wasn't willing to screw that over. second, how would she react finding out? would she become turned off and not want to be with me? that rejection would hurt. also, she told me she had just had a fling with a close coworker of mine that i had no idea about. what would he think? would that hinder our friendship? i also question pursuing straight women. i don't know i don't know.
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