yay, super paragraph!

[glowingpear]

I've been here in Berlin for about 5-6 weeks now. I bought another monitor and have begun the long process of editing down photos while learning about photo "manipulation" to get the desired effects you want. Sometimes it's depressing to look at other photographers work and then at my own, but I try to stay inspired rather than depressed. That's another thing... I thought my depression was solely linked to my pretransitioning self, but I can feel it come and go. Not particularly strong, but it's there. Insecurities. Even just leaving comments in other peoples journals and not getting a response makes me so self critical. My WG (Vee Ghee or Vay Gay, depending on who's pronouncing it and meaning approximately "commune") is nice, full of friendly lesbians and we haven't encountered any problems with our deeply religious neighbors yet and hope to keep it that way. We share an elevator with the Muslim church above us and the Islamic extremist party beneath us and as I exit on the 3rd floor, their eyes curiously peer into the storage/bike room of our flat and I imagine they're fantasizing about the ongoings of lair of sin. Walking around the neighborhood yesterday, to my surprise I saw 2 different fliers posted outside bookstores looking for someone to rent a room in their Women, Lesbian and Transgender WG's. So there's more than just the one I live in... and in our neighborhood too! I'm learning the names of the common birds here (mute swan, eurasian coot, hooded crow, eurasian magpie and of course my favorite feral rock pigeon) and peer at a few through my giant windows. My window sill double's as a refrigerator, chilling my collection of German Weissbier's during my pursuit to find and rank my favorite. There's the cutest gay bar 4 blocks from me called Silver Future decked with pink walls and a white lace trim. Bike lanes canvas and score the city often delineated by a reddish brick or pavement and furnished with our own traffic lights, some of whom are colored to make stars and hearts. When interviewing for this WG, I immediately started crushing out on one of it's members, the oldest and quietest of us all and who maintains the most beautifully decorated room. 2 weeks after my arrival, she left for South Africa for a month and returns either tonight or tomorrow morning. In the meantime we've been somewhat flirting over SMS and I've arranged to make her dinner for Christmas (a date?). I even bought her an orchid that I've managed to wilt in a meer day, and contemplate finding another before the day. When not photo editing, I've been wasting time lounging around, downloading Attenborough nature videos and shows about the Templar Knights, not to mention the Adult Swim versions of Crayon Shin Chan who's English translators make less funny and more offensive. The kleptomanic in me acquires far more footage than I'm able to keep up with, but I keep telling myself that I'll appreciate it when I'm bed bound post SRS (off in the distant future). Shortly I'll bike over to a weekly flea market and join some friends I've made over the past month. 

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/innerlife_/]

Your life in Berlin sounds pretty interesting! How long do you think you'll be there?

Word re: the nature of depression. Lately people like to ask me if I'm happy, which is code for "so is being a girl really what you needed or are you delusional?" The answer is that I'm happier and I like to think I have greater potential to be happy but it's not like a magic bullet or anything. It's more of an expanding potential sort of thing, at least for me. I felt I had no solutions to my ennui before.

About comments, I apologize if I ever make you feel slighted. I've been lazy about replies lately. I'm always thrilled to see you chime in. (Seriously!)

Good luck with the lady!

[ayearofholidays.livejournal.com]

I don't know how long I'll be here... Hopefully awhile. I like it I think. Miss you.