crushed under the ignorant
Jan. 19th, 2007 01:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
glowingpearit finally happened. and when it did, i wasn't upset at the time because I had been expecting it a lot sooner.
i'm a sound engineer at a club, which means when bands, dj's or any other sort of performer performs at the venue, i set up microphones and mix them together through a console to the best of my ability. this past week i was stuck with 3 hip-hop shows. while working those nights, i thought to myself about why i loathe doing sound for them so much. i questioned whether there was some deep rooted racism within me that i hadn't managed to overcome (in my formative years i was a bit racist (and homophobic for that matter) due to buying into my family's racism). but that wasn't it. it's the cockiness, machismo, and confrontational nature of the particular crowd our hip-hop nights bring.
about a year ago, a regular to our bar and also a flaming homosexual and crossdresser, was hanging out on hip-hop night and was assaulted for no reason other than being who he is. (and to think i almost forgot about that).
the first show went over pretty well. the audience was mellow and the performers weren't particularly offensive.
the second night i was actually looking forward to. it was a benefit for an adoption agency for children with AIDS in Africa. the headliner i had done sound for several times before and I liked him a lot. he's an elementary school teacher in a poor neighborhood, is very political (antiBush, antiCapitolist) in his lyrics, very creative and is the ONLY person to have hugged me after performing. he's the only local performer that i've shelled out money to buy their cd (I even had him sign it to boost his ego). Because he's a great guy and he deserves support for the work he's doing. I thought. when he hit the stage i was unarmed and ready to finally enjoy an act with talent. but the first thing he says is that "if you don't want AIDS, don't have sex. Condoms don't work. And I'm not a faggot. Those faggots spread AIDS." Not only did my jaw drop, but my heart sunk. The one person that I felt was actually making the hiphop community more progressive turned out to be a total jerk. I was so crushed. Normally what I do in this situation is make their voice so muffled that no one can understand them anymore, but I was stunned. I just wanted to talk to him but I was so upset that I couldn't.
what's worse than the arrogance is the rampant homophobia that's sadly common at many of the hiphop shows i work. i almost forgot that i need to be afraid for myself. i don't have a male body anymore. my strength is about 65% of what it used to be. in arm wrestling matches with cisgendered females i always lose now. i question my ability to physically defend myself. and my queer body makes me a target as strong as I may appear.
the third hiphop show had been spaced at the end of my 7 day work week, between a huge queer burlesque show and other good nights, but i was exhausted. one of the earlier performers in the night was wildly homophobic, transphobic and bashing intersexed people as well (what kind of phobia is that?). 3 minutes hadn't passed before him and his hype man's vocals were completely obscured with my malevolent (de)equalizing. his friends looked at me with confusion and i shrugged my shoulders. it was so blatant that i fucked up their sound that I was expecting one of their friends to come up and yell at me and i was prepared to tell them, "asking a queer to make your friends sound good is like asking a person of color to make a white power group sound good." but they never came. i even cut them off early, really pissing them off and they stormed off stage, but oddly they didn't yell at me despite the tension building in the room. everything was fine until the last act. the act everyone had paid $12 to see. the booking agent told me that he has asked for his payment in advance and that the ticket sales hadn't come close to covering the MC's guarantee. everything was fine until half way through his set he stops and says, "hey, I can't tell if the soundman is a man or a woman" and over a hundred people turn there heads and laugh at me. I laughed too, and that seemed to diffuse the situation.
and there it was. the first time i was more or less called out for being trans from a performer with a microphone. i actually felt like i took the whole thing very well, until tonight, when talking to my partner about it. or rather not talking to her about it, talking about something else that made me feel defensive and break down and cry uncontrollably. i don't feel that upset about what happened, but i think underneath it all i really am, and i'm unsure how to deal with it.
about a year ago, a regular to our bar and also a flaming homosexual and crossdresser, was hanging out on hip-hop night and was assaulted for no reason other than being who he is. (and to think i almost forgot about that).
the first show went over pretty well. the audience was mellow and the performers weren't particularly offensive.
the second night i was actually looking forward to. it was a benefit for an adoption agency for children with AIDS in Africa. the headliner i had done sound for several times before and I liked him a lot. he's an elementary school teacher in a poor neighborhood, is very political (antiBush, antiCapitolist) in his lyrics, very creative and is the ONLY person to have hugged me after performing. he's the only local performer that i've shelled out money to buy their cd (I even had him sign it to boost his ego). Because he's a great guy and he deserves support for the work he's doing. I thought. when he hit the stage i was unarmed and ready to finally enjoy an act with talent. but the first thing he says is that "if you don't want AIDS, don't have sex. Condoms don't work. And I'm not a faggot. Those faggots spread AIDS." Not only did my jaw drop, but my heart sunk. The one person that I felt was actually making the hiphop community more progressive turned out to be a total jerk. I was so crushed. Normally what I do in this situation is make their voice so muffled that no one can understand them anymore, but I was stunned. I just wanted to talk to him but I was so upset that I couldn't.
what's worse than the arrogance is the rampant homophobia that's sadly common at many of the hiphop shows i work. i almost forgot that i need to be afraid for myself. i don't have a male body anymore. my strength is about 65% of what it used to be. in arm wrestling matches with cisgendered females i always lose now. i question my ability to physically defend myself. and my queer body makes me a target as strong as I may appear.
the third hiphop show had been spaced at the end of my 7 day work week, between a huge queer burlesque show and other good nights, but i was exhausted. one of the earlier performers in the night was wildly homophobic, transphobic and bashing intersexed people as well (what kind of phobia is that?). 3 minutes hadn't passed before him and his hype man's vocals were completely obscured with my malevolent (de)equalizing. his friends looked at me with confusion and i shrugged my shoulders. it was so blatant that i fucked up their sound that I was expecting one of their friends to come up and yell at me and i was prepared to tell them, "asking a queer to make your friends sound good is like asking a person of color to make a white power group sound good." but they never came. i even cut them off early, really pissing them off and they stormed off stage, but oddly they didn't yell at me despite the tension building in the room. everything was fine until the last act. the act everyone had paid $12 to see. the booking agent told me that he has asked for his payment in advance and that the ticket sales hadn't come close to covering the MC's guarantee. everything was fine until half way through his set he stops and says, "hey, I can't tell if the soundman is a man or a woman" and over a hundred people turn there heads and laugh at me. I laughed too, and that seemed to diffuse the situation.
and there it was. the first time i was more or less called out for being trans from a performer with a microphone. i actually felt like i took the whole thing very well, until tonight, when talking to my partner about it. or rather not talking to her about it, talking about something else that made me feel defensive and break down and cry uncontrollably. i don't feel that upset about what happened, but i think underneath it all i really am, and i'm unsure how to deal with it.
