Apr. 13th, 2008

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I noticed my breasts were noticeably larger today. Just over a week ago I was having breathing problems and I wondered if my breast growth had to do with me not wearing a bra for the past 10 days. I did see a dr. about my lungs. Since I don't have health insurance, after asking around I went to this center that makes dr's appointments for refuges free of charge with dr's who don't charge. They asked where I was from and when I said the US, they frowned. They helped me anyway but gave me a "this is not for the privileged" look. The doctor asked me to take off my shirt and he attached a strange machine to me, a mechanical octopod that sucked away at my chest, wrists and belly. After two minutes the computer spit out a chart indicating that I had an irregular heart beat. Mmm. In the following days I felt better and never went to the cardiologist they recommended. Someday I'll have health insurance and it will be checked out then.

I spoiled myself with an expensive buffet breakfast today at Morganland that they have every Saturday and Sunday. The food was wonderful and lots of friends kept me company, whether they ate or not. There was an odd gallery show on the way home at the local queer center that revolved around "pussy" but i can't say that I loved it. It was just this womans collection of all things relating to vaginas, with art supplied on the floor for guests to make vaginas of their own. After stopping shortly at a "coffee and cake" event at a local anarchist center, my friend and I scrambled to get to the Haus der Kulteren der Welt (House of World Cultures) where a Japanese film called "Nobody Knows" was playing. Despiting having called the theater to verify whether the subtitles were in German or English (they said English), they ended up being in German so for the second time my housemate Siggy translated a Japanese film's German subtitles into English for me at the expense of the other patrons enjoyment. Just the previous night I had watched another Japanese film called Tekkonkinkreet after a "taco salad" party hosted by my closest friend here in Berlin and roommate Katrina. It was exciting that she had bought a "beamer" (projector) so we could watch movies the way they were made to be watched, but I found the movie unimpressive. There's something about Anime that I can't get into anymore (except for save Crayon Shinchan). Something to do with the formula they seem to fall under that I've grown tired of. But "Nobody Knows" was supposed to break that mold of Japanese film. Yes, it's not anime but since it was so highly recommended by a handful of people I went and caught it. And since most of the characters are children or are talking to children, the language was perfect for me. Just above my ability to really understand it, but enough to get by and get the gist. The basic plot is a mother abandons her 4 children in their apartment. I was pulled in so many ways. Relating to the young boy put in charge of taking care of his siblings and remembering what it was like to buy things myself for the first time. But in a deeper way, I myself also feeling abandoned by my mother now, knowing that she'll never come back. I felt so disconcerted, becoming really afraid for myself during the film. I only have x amount of money that will run out soon. I'm in a foreign country and I don't have family to fall back on. I feel so alone and afraid in a way that only having my mother could fix. Siggy told me afterward about another film she had seen about a mother learning she will die of cancer soon, and she makes preparations for her death such as making video tapes for each of her children's birthdays. Even though I'm an adult, I do feel so abandoned and alone. But at other times I think about when I tried to kill myself, and I think about what I thought before I attempted. About how much unbearable pain I was in and that everyone would understand that this is what I needed to do. I try to think about that, and to remember that she's not suffering anymore.

Last week I was at my friend Sonja's house, buying plane tickets for Stockholm where I'll hang out with her during her gallery opening there. In the previous months she had told me that she had a baby and that he had died, but she said it so nonchalantly that I figured it had happened a long time ago. She showed me her photobook of the time he was alive, the last picture being him just after he had died, seemingly at peace. He had died 8 days before my mom.

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