Apr. 22nd, 2008

new wave

Apr. 22nd, 2008 02:38 pm
glowingpear: (Default)
As I'm at the tail end of my week of sickness, I'm contemplating whether another wave of depression is upon me.

I've spent all week in bed, being nonsocial. My sickness isn't severe at all, but I don't feel well, and I'm surprised how long it took me to get better. I guess I'm not over the hill yet. Perhaps the inactivity has triggered this feeling.

My housemate (the only person I knew before I moved here) had a really annoying friend from the states visiting for the past week, and perhaps he had divided us a bit. We had a minor squabble regarding laundry detergent, of all things. And sadly that seems to have been a catalyst for our distance as well. Thinking now, I should really talk to her.

My ex (but current lover) sent me an email saying she's ending our romantic relationship. Her visit a month ago was extremely difficult. She was being really awful, demanding affection and constantly attacking me for the slightest intonation in my voice suggesting that I don't like her. So, this is a relief. But to hear it does make me resonate with loneliness.

My German is awful. I'm struggling the most out of everyone in our class. I'm just not a language person. It's frustrating and exhausting.

I'm running out of money and running out of hormones. I have another 3 month supply in the US that hopefully someone can bring over if they come visit me. And money, I guess that means I really need to look for a job. Unfortunately my visa says I can't work. So under tables I seek.

Two bands that have hired me in the past, passed me up recently. For one of them it was because they usually hire someone else (so not a big surprise) and the other because I live in Berlin now and it's too expensive to fly me from here. But there's this air of rejection, although there shouldn't be. And my semi desperate need for money weighs in on that. I can always dip into my surgery fund, which has depleted in value since the crumbling of the US dollar, but I really don't want to. I think that would only add to my depression and anxiety.

And perhaps it's just my clouded eyes, but the lesbian circle I thought I was a part of here, as it expands and shifts, I'm feeling excluded.

I wonder about my depression. I thought I was over it since transitioning. Is it genetic? What did I do to get out of it?

Lastly, despite being sick I went to a workshop on using an accelerometer, an Arduino, a laptop, and an infrared LED to trigger a camera to take a picture. I came early because I expected the workshop to be full, but I was the only attendee. And the woman teaching it blew my mind. She was very young, perhaps 21-23, extremely intelligent, extremely beautiful, very creative.... the list goes on. She wasn't however, well organized. Her workshop took a long time, going about 5 hours longer than expected due to nonplaning, but I sat there with her in a daze. Partially from admiration, partially adoration, partially confusion and partially sickness. When I ended up leaving, I had hoped that we would have made a stronger connection, becoming friends, but not being friends is just as well. I could feel the neurosis I used to experience when I obsessed over a crush looming, my past haunting me. But just hanging out with her is making me question my life. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I not doing amazing things like her? Perhaps I'm still on way to becoming like her. Ich weiss nicht.


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