glowingpear: (bream)
[personal profile] glowingpear
it's hard for me to admit this, but the truth is, I am currently "pre-suicidal."

that means, thoughts of suicide keep entering my mind and make me bawl my eyes out in a panic every time that they do.

a positive thing is, that due to the sudden and random nature of these thoughts, it's clear to me that the depression I'm experience is clinical. which means that it's not that my life is horrible. my life is okay and in many ways really great. I just had a lover staying with me for a week, but whenever she wasn't around, or even when she was, thoughts of suicide would pop into my head. Which doesn't make any sense. She's so lovely and I was so happy that she was here and we had pretty good time together, but thoughts of suicide were randomly spliced in there.

what's completely shattering about this being a clinical depression is that my personal narrative isn't true. my personal narrative that the reason I've been depressed throughout my life is that my father abused me, and that I'm transgender. After transitioning, everything would be fine.

Things did improve, and to some extent, hugely. In some ways my life has been unimaginably fantastic in comparison to where I was during my dark teenage years. And the darkness that lingered, I always attributed to me needing to workout all the fucked up things that had happened to me. Me needing to build up enough self esteem, to be empowered to be the best me I could be. Now I think that I've had clinical depression all along, which was triggered by awful things that happened to me.

the most horrifying part has to do with my narrative of my mother's life. I used to think that her depression had to do with my father abusing me and her feeling guilty for not having stopped that, and her feeling blame for my subsequent depression. I tend not to believe anything my father says, but one thing that he had told me is that my mother's depression was clinical. I never believed that until now. If that is true, as well as the other thing he said, that it's genetic, am I a mirror of my mother?

My mother didn't survive. She killed herself. Her depression ate her alive but she fought it for years and years. Almost a decade. Her medications didn't work. They tried everything. I am horrified at the thought that I'm doomed to the same fate. To make matters worse, I don't have a husband to support me. No one is really supporting me. My grandparents occasionally with a little money. I'm living in a foreign country, I don't have any really close friends. Being not a very social person does that, i guess.

But sometimes, I believe that I'm stronger than my depression. It's a problem and there must be a way to deal with it.

I'm happy to say that I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I WANT TO LIVE. I want to be happy and make the most out of life. It's the depression that keeps trying to throw me off the cliff. It's like a devil. I need to figure out how to fight off the depression, to stay inspired, to have enough physical and mental energy.


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January 2014

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