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[personal profile] glowingpear
yesterday my sister notifies me that my grandma will probably soon die and that I should come home for xmas. Great. Thanks for telling me 2 weeks before xmas when plane tickets are incredibly cheap, particularly international ones.

so, what is it? visit grandma before she dies and use up a significant portion of my surgery fund, or save my surgery fund and don't visit a dying relative who I'm not close to?

it's all a bit complicated. I'll start with that i'm not close to my grandma, and never have been. She's a super capitalist, and the richest person in my family. She co-owns a company that is probably worth at least a million. probably more. But I really don't know anymore. She also has repeatedly given me lots of money. Christmas is between $200 and $500. High school graduation was $1500.

But we've never been close. Even pretransition. And I've only seen her a few times post transition, and it's weird. I guess that would be twice. Once at my mother's funeral. The other time last xmas.

At my mothers funeral, no one talked to me much (it was all family). The people that did talk to me, some told me that it wasn't my fault, but I could sense that they actually believed it was. Considering all the negative propaganda my father had been feeding everyone about me, it's easy to see why I was so ignored. But this shying away continued the last time I saw my grandma. We didn't exchange much more than a small paragraph of dialog. As for my other relatives, some went as far as to disinvite me to another family gathering that I'd been going to since I was born. Some would just laugh at me when they looked at me. They weren't all cold or distant though, but it's hard not to group them all together. After that gathering, I felt my family was dead to me. Even some of the relatives I felt that were closer to me, have discluded me from family emails. Everyone blames me. It was that fucking transsexual.

(Only one family member has really reached out to me and I know she doesn't blame me. She's the youngest of that older generation, those of my grandparents age. She's the other oddball in our family, who has experienced this exiling even more than me. It's because she's not as conservative as the rest of them.)

My grandma is also very racist. She openly refers to african americans as "niggers." In fact, she was about half the reason I was (much more) racist when I was younger, having learned it from her. She's also talks badly of Chinese people, but for some unknown reason, seems to get along with white people, despite having been in an internment camp.

However, despite being racist, my grandma is generally very nice. This duality has been the cause of a lot of confusion in my later youth, polarizing racists as bad people, but then having a very nice but racist grandma. Later, I've just laughed about it, since all my arguing has taken me nowhere, and it's just very bizarre to hear this elderly asian woman, with the mouth of a redneck in the context of the bay area. If she wasn't japanese (racially), she would hate the japs too.

So where does this leave me?

Oh wait, there's an evil, selfish side to this too. In fact, a lot of this is about questioning selfishness, and identifying what is selfish.

So the "evil" side of me says, be nice to her and see her before she dies and maybe you'll get some inheritance money, even to pay for surgery!!! On the otherside of the same wavelength, she made have already decided that I now fall in her "nigger" catagory, especially, according to my father, having been the cause of his wifes death. My own selfish perverseness. (None of my family has bothered researching, trying to understand the situation of me/transpeople, except for my dead mother. Oh wait, my dads sister did a bit, enough to lecture me about how i shouldn't get surgery. can't forget that.)

Also, not to evil, but still on the selfish side, I do want to interview my grandma about family history. I don't know anything about her side of the family. Her parents, or anything like that. I think she has a brother or something, but I really don't know. That's a quarter of my family history about to be lost. Very selfish, I know.

Why am I not thinking about needing to see my grandma before she dies for the right reasons?

1. We're not close.
2. I don't think she cares about me so much anymore.
3. I'm afraid of crippling my surgery fund, because I have no forseeable saveable income in the near future.

and maybe 4. She's my father's mother. I HATE my father. I can't stress that enough. I don't ever plan on speaking to him again. He's the one who should be dying. He's also close with his mother. She's also his employer. And there's a little thought in me that says, if I don't go, my father will be so angry at me and I'll never hear the end of it. But what does that mean if I theorhetically never want to talk to my father again? I guess it means that I know that I probably will, and the next time we do talk, I'm going to hear specifically that before walking away from him.

its hard to be having these uncomfortable feelings. it's all so fucking complicated.
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