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[personal profile] glowingpear
my roommate situation feels like it's getting worse. Even though the one roommate that I really hated moved out, so many problems/compromises feel like my fault and people are mad at me because of it.

1. My former housemate that moved out was totally shitty to me, and therefore I hated her and wanted her to leave. However I tried to be as nice as I could, hoping that she would change. Some of my other housemates are paranoid that I or some of the other housemates have or will have equally hostile feelings toward them and not show them. Between me and my former shitty housemate it was clear. But now my  behavior has been construed as dishonest.

2. We are a women/lesbian/trans household of 8. Somehow in my head (I thought a housemate had told me this previously) that "trans" in this case meant transwomen. Because I somehow don't quite understand why a transman identifying as a man would want to live in a womens household or vice versa. As we're looking for a new housemate to replace the one that left, and a transman wanted to interview, we learned that one or two of us understood this as no transmen, but some of the others that "trans is trans, regardless if you're a man or woman." I considered how I felt about this and realized that every time I've lived with men (TRANS MEN INCLUDED) I've either been abused, humiliated, strangled, threatened or chased out of my house, and that THAT is what's underneath this feeling of uneasiness surrounding men. When I expressed to my household that didn't want to live with men, but was willing to meet this guy and possibly make an exception, the reaction of one of them was along the lines of "I don't want to live in a place that discriminates against transmen, and maybe I should move out." I'm fine with transmen, I just don't want to live with men period. I don't want to live in paranoia and fear. I want to feel safe in my home. Obviously not every man in the world will do one or any of these aforementioned horrible things to me, in fact I imagine most that my household would approve living with wouldn't. But the fear is still there.

3. In the past year I've started having heart and or lung problems. About a year ago I had what felt like half a heart attack. I didn't have health insurance and had to see these "free doctors" that were very reluctant to help me because I'm American (and therefore RICH!) and I didn't seek all the help that I actually needed. I haven't had that serious of a heart related attack since. I had a breathing attack about 1.5 months ago. As I was laying down to sleep, my throat started closing and I had a very hard time breathing. I was extremely panicked and my girlfriend was as well. It only lasted what felt like 10 minutes but maybe it was 5 before i had some menthol stuff to inhale and my breathing became better. I have health insurance now and saw a ear nose throat doctor, but she told me to see a pnemologist and gave me some tablets that should help if I have another attack. She also said that there are three factors that could possibly be contributing to this attack: stress, smoke and or allergies. During the period that I had the breathing attack, I had no stress which boils it down to smoke and or allergies.

Half the people where I live smoke (4) and we have an enormous living room where people have been smoking. But when 3 or 4 people are smoking there, I can't  be in the room because its too much. So as a household we're currently trying to find a solution to that. People seem to think it's a really good idea to put the kitchen in the living room, and turn the kitchen into a smoking room (the room next to my bedroom). Which means I would have to move. I don't know why people think this is an option because

4. A few months ago I denied a woman in a wheelchair from living here because I wouldn't give up my room (most convienient access for her) because after thinking about it long and hard, I realized that I would want to move out if I couldn't live in my room. I LOVE MY ROOM.

So if I won't move out of my room because so that someone in a wheelchair can't move it (something I felt shitty about) what give everyone the idea that I will move because people want to build a smoking room?

I suggested (partially to just make the others who suggested that I move out of  my room, or the household understand what its like when people suggest that their living situation is compromised) that we cut one of the two largest bedrooms and form a smoking room (these two rooms are each nearly twice as large as most of the other bedrooms). This really pissed off one of my housemates who says that I'm using my health issues in an unfair way to "get what i want (?)". I'm trying to understand where that last part is coming from.

So there are the 4 points (that I can think of) that make me an asshole and my housemates unhappy with me. The fact that I hated my former housemate who continued to act like a bitch to me right after my mother killed herself, that I don't want to live with transmen because I've been REPEATEDLY attacked EVERY time that I've lived with a man, that I had a breathing attack to the point where I thought I might die and I still have to wait 2 fucking months until my appointment with the pneumologist, and that I wouldn't change rooms to let a woman in a wheelchair have mine because I love my room too much and wouldn't be happy in any of the others.

I am the asshole. I am the drama queen. I am the problem.

More and more I'm starting to believe these ideas. Why have I had problems with 4 of the 5 households I've lived in? All signs point to something being wrong with me.
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