Oct. 26th, 2009

glowingpear: (Default)
Maybe writing about why I'm depressed will make me feel better.

This depression hasn't been very severe, just light and looming for the past few weeks. Thinking about it, there are a number of reasons.

Today we went to the flea market where I had found lots of germanium transistors before, hoping to buy a bunch more and hopefully carbon comp resistors as well but the guy wasn't there. I was also suposed to meet a friend of mine touring through town this evening, but the show ended up being insanely early, and I got there too late, and even being in the industry, I failed to wiggle my way backstage. Fucking lame.

Yesterday I decided to take a workshop where we made autonomous noise machines. Sounds great, right? Well it wasn't. It was more expensive than normal, very little was explained, even how to make it. We basically looked at this "prototype" and tried to duplicate it, but it didn't even really work. The only thing I got from it was experience soldering SMD parts.

A few days ago my aunt sent me some money as an early christmas present. Super nice. However I opened up a bit and mentioned to her that I'm planning on having surgery Dec 2010. I've never really contemplated whether she's a conservative or liberal person until now, but now I'm realizing she's just like everyone else on my fathers side of the family. She's telling me what a bad idea surgery is, and all the reasons why I shouldn't have it. Well, that's ok, but I went on to explain that I've researched it thoroughly and am willing to take the risk, etc. She writes back that she doesn't want me to use any of the money for surgery, and threw in some masked homophobic comments about how I don't need surgery if I sleep with women, blah blah. This one pissed me off, and I knew if I wrote back, it wouldn't be polite, so I didn't. The lesson is: keep the family in the dark. I cut them off for a reason.

A week or more further back, when my mood swung downward, I received an email from my new boss telling me that there's not enough work to actually hire me. I was planning on going to the US for 2 months to build guitar pedals for a friend of mine, and if it had actually worked out, it would have bailed me out of so many holes. 1) Needing to retrieve my bank cards from the US, 2) earning much needed money for living and 3) for saving for surgery, 4) I need to transfer my existing US money to someone who can send it to the surgeon when the time comes, 5) bringing lots of my belongings to Berlin, etc etc. I even spent money here thinking that I would be earning money in the US in the coming months, because I wanted to do something nice with my girlfriend before leaving her for 2 months. So no trip to the US, no work, scrambling to make money.

Before that I'd been searching for work here, and 3 leads looked good, but nothing has come of them. On to searching more.

And perhaps lastly, about 6 months ago a friend of mine molested or raped someone, depending on your definition of molestation and rape. The victim is saying rape, so I will as well. The victim didn't want to press charges, but wanted my friend to understand what he did and "make it right" or something like that. When I found out about this, I felt strong enough to be able to support my friend and guide him through this process (being ultra critical of course). However, over time I just started feeling sicker and sicker with what he had done and not strong enough to deal with him in person. And I feel really guilty about that. Because I feel like I need to be there talking to him, so he can hear my critical opinions and learn and understand from it. But sometimes I think if I were around him, I'd want to beat the crap out of him for what he did. Without getting into the whole story, he had touched and kissed me inappropriately in the past, and I hadn't done anything about it except be more distant from him which caused him to back off. It eats me inside that I didn't take this as a clue toward what he would later do. There are several other behaviors of his as well that haunt me, signs I tell myself I should have seen. The thing is, that I haven't really communicated with him in the past 6 months. But other people have been working with him, people I trust, that say he's doing everything right (not drinking alcohol, went to AA, not partying, is in therapy, is attending these peer groups made specificly to reform his behavior) and they're feeling fine with him. But for me, who hasn't had contact with him, to hear random people talk about how they hung out with him and the things he's doing these days makes me feel sick. This bouncing back to normality, doesn't sit well with me. Biking home tonight, I ran into a friend of his, who says she just hung out with him today. I don't think she knows. This really bothers me. I don't know what I should do. My plan is to form a womens group around his "recovery" to make demands for him to follow, to ensure he comprehends what he did, and that he won't do it again, because right now his "support" group is all men, and women's voices certainly need to be heard in this process. Maybe that process will make me feel better.

One more thing. I've lived here nearly 2 years and my german is still awful. I'm still in school learning, but it's fucking depressing how bad I am. I know I'm bad at languages, and way better in math, but fuck, it's embarassing how bad my german is. And I'm trying!


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