Jun. 15th, 2008

glowingpear: (Default)
what does that question mean anyway? I've always thought of it as "what does my life mean?" or "why do humans exist?" or "what is our ultimate purpose (in life)?" This morning I've thought of it in a different way by thinking of it with the definition that life is every living thing.

"Meaning" is a reduction. What is the meaning of this piece of art? A implies B which evokes C in the context of D. Perhaps "good art" cannot be reduced. And in someways I believe it's naive to think that "life" can be reduced to a meaning. But maybe it can, I won't say that it can't. I just find it unlikely. Rather than finding a "meaning," we can understand more about life through studying it. Looking at all examples of life and comparing. Perhaps life can be reduced to DNA, 4 polypeptide chained together in every possible configuration, seemingly at random. Genome mapping is the search for the meaning of life. Looking at myself and my interest in evolutionary biology, perhaps ultimately I too am searching for the meaning of life. But i think it's more of a search for my place in this world. How do I fit in? What does it mean to be a transsexual? How should I proceed with my life? What are my goals?

I've been quite depressed for at least a month now. I want it to go away. I want to be happy and enjoy life instead of wasting it being depressed. What is it, in the prospect of achieving a goal (in this instance being with someone you're attracted to) providing more joy than actually succeeding? Is it ideal to somehow suspend myself within this state desire and potentials and never experiencing the goal? In some spamy email that i've received at several times, it says to do yourself a favor and to love fully with your whole heart. Is that what a romantic does? For the first time in ages, I kinda feel like I've opened myself up in that way for Kim. We know that's a dead end, but when I'm around her I still can't help but melt. My heartbeats faster and I become nervous. I would like to still be friends, but its hard when I have these feelings.

Finding my answers may lie in long walks and time alone dedicated just to thinking. What about Maya and Elisa? How can I get over that? I was listening to Elliott Smith tonight and heard the line "nobody broke your heart. You broke your own because you couldn't finish what you started." Yes, exactly. Maya or Elisa didn't break my heart. I broke my own because mentally I hadn't fully severed my "more than friends" attachment to Maya. I have a right to be insulted that Maya didn't tell me about their relationship. It feels sneaky and hurtful. I would have hurt anyway if she had told me, but at least that way it's all out in the open. I think I need to write to Maya. Actually wrap things up. Is that the right thing to do? I'm somewhat afraid it will all hurt more. Maybe it will but will actually bring closure for me. And maybe I can move on. Kim is another story.


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