May. 4th, 2008

glowingpear: (Default)
I was doing better for a few days. The TGEU conference was/is great. But I somehow always manage to isolate myself. My training as an American perhaps plays a role here. The standoffishness, the refusal of eye contact. The fear? Is that where this all stems from? Lack of confidence?

Crushing is really counter productive. Crush hard. Crushed hard. I've done this since I was a little kid, perhaps all my life. It only hurts me, over and over and over. Why do I handle this different than everyone else? I thought I was getting better about this. Is my sense of attraction subconsciously purposely putting me at odds with love? Why is my self esteem so easily punctured when others don't reciprocate my interest?

I do know I'm worth it.

I need stratagies for staying on top.
glowingpear: (Default)
i rescued a pigeon last week at some point and it was getting better and better until one morning it had a seizure or something else awful. I knew it would die so I put it out of it's misery. When I fell back asleep I dreamed about trying to save my mom.

It's odd that in the seemingly most idyllic situations I often feel alone.

Why am I simultaneously lonely and wanting to be alone?


glowingpear: (Default)

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